The new list!

Airplanes, clowns, water, car wrecks, and at times death. That is my list of fears that I struggle with. As my relationship with Christ has grown He and I have been able to work through some of my fears. I guess I should say the truth is that as I have learned that I am truly not “in-charge” of THE WORLD I have come to understand that my fears serve no healthy purpose. But, now my fear is that I have truly never known fear till now. Since learning we were pregnant I have fears that I never knew could exist: Will I miscarry? Is the baby healthy? Am I healthy? Am I eating right? Is there enough amniotic fluid? Is there enough room in there for him? Has he moved 10 times in the hour? Where will the money come from for all the stuff needed? How do we afford childcare and health insurance for the munchkin? Will I have to have a C-section? Will he have jaundice? Will he latch on easily? Will he sleep well? What happens when he gets sick? Will he be a happy baby? The list keeps going and going and going.

The past two days have brought this home for me as Tuesday and Wednesday in the early evening I had three contractions pretty close together. The doctor has told me that if I have four in an hour I am to go to the ER. Thankfully, the fourth has not come… but I feel like I just lay there in that hour trapped in my fears waiting and praying for the fourth to not arrive. Running through my head is zillions of fears about what it means if it does come?

As I walk through this new journey I feel like I am JUST beginning to maybe, possibly, slightly comprehend how God must feel about us as our Heavenly parent. If I can feel all the emotions I feel about Baby Bailey as his earthly parent what in the world does it feel like to be our Creator? His willingness and purpose in sending Jesus as a sacrifice for us is beginning to make a lot more sense to me… God was willing to do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to keep us safe and protected. And that I can understand.