B A L A N C E

Upon learning I was going to become a mama I was filled with joy but, there were also multiple fears that came to my mind. One of the greatest being could I give "me" up? Despite the fact that I had looked forward to being a mommy since I was young I was truly concerned that I couldn't be the selfless woman I needed to be.

The truth is that I loved my pre-motherhood life. I loved using my day off for journaling, seeing an artsy flick by myself, cleaning out random drawers or just adventuring. I loved spending my birthday in my p.j.'s, eating a pint of Hagan-Daz and watching 5 hours of self-indulgent soap operas. I loved sushi night with the girls, date night with the man and getting to read whenever I wanted. I honestly didn't know how I would feel about my life, as I knew it, drastically changing.

I was surprised how easy it was to make the sacrifice! The day Renn Jackson Bailey entered the world it was an automatic instinct in me that it was ALL ABOUT HIM! Whatever he wanted or needed was my priority. Sleeping, eating and gifts meant nothing to me anymore. I only wanted things to be for and about Renn.

Therefore it was a shock that the week of his 1st birthday I began hearing a voice. A voice that began to whisper to me "What about me?". I tried ignoring it. Then the "What about ME?" voice started getting louder. I actually tried to get angry with it...saying "GO AWAY! You don't belong here anymore!" The voice continued wearing me down...it became steady...like a chat: What about ME?, WHAT about me?, What ABOUT me?" And eventually I found myself agreeing with the voice and wondering myself "WHAT ABOUT ME?" As I let the selfish thoughts of days past brew inside of me one of my favorite words came to mind: BALANCE.

I have been in awe of how much parenthood is a reflection of how God's loves us. So as this "voice" took up residence in my head I had to take a look at how God lived while he was on earth. And while Jesus was 100% selfless I was reminded of how often and valuable "time-outs" were to him. Quiet time, reflection time, party time, friend time and family time were all valued.

I realize now that God has no intertest in me loosing myself and identity in motherhood. Besides balance being good for my well being I believe the example of this will be a good witness to my son. Therefore as I enter year two of my life as mama to the Tree Frog I look forward to creating more balance.

I have started by promising myself a manicure once a month. I have to start somewhere, right?